Harriet Millar-Mills

My rugby journey began aged nine at Manchester Rugby Club, where I was the annoying sister wanting to join in with my brother’s team. I cannot speak highly enough of that first team, they always made me feel like just another teammate and never the girl on the team, which the opposition loved to point out. 

When I hit 12, I was no longer allowed to play with the boys and needed to join a girls team, but participation and opportunity for womens rugby was thin on the ground back then. Whilst I totally agree with not playing with the boys after this age; for my own safety as well as the boys, it left me without a stable team at a crucial age. From 12-18, I jumped between teams, playing in any game going in the North West, desperate for game time. Fortunately, the landscape has changed since then, and now there are more opportunities for girls of that age. 

I was selected for the England TDG (Talent Development group) aged 14 and then for England Under 20s a couple years later when I was 17. Throughout this time I played a variety of team and school sports, not just rugby.

This nurtured in me a healthy relationship with exercise, seeing it as a hobby and something fun, since I thoroughly enjoyed being active. 

When I turned 18 I began studying at Loughborough University, and moved to Lichfield RFC. However, I didn't get off to a good start as I got concussed at the start of the season and this led to post concussion syndrome. This was the first real injury I’d suffered  and looking back, I became a different person for those 9 months. My character changed; I would have huge mood swings and I would fall asleep constantly, especially if there were any form of bright lights. 

There were a number of factors that contributed to my symptoms dragging on longer than they should have. I like to think that our knowledge of concussion and its risks is better now, and the below would not happen in today’s game.

I had moved to a whole new environment, surrounded by new people who didn't know what I  was like ‘before’ and therefore couldn't spot the changes in my personality. I also didn’t have my family around me, so there wasn’t anyone around to say ‘you’re not ok!’

I didn’t cope with my symptoms as well as I should have, I was young with a shortsighted outlook mostly based on the mentality of ‘I want to be normal and do whatever I want to do.’ 

I first got concussed at the start of August, I had a week off then played a game, but two weeks later I hit my head again so had another week off. I then got hit again in a University game (this was the worst one). I had another two weeks off before turning up to an early morning fitness session as my first session back. Within 20 minutes of the season ending I was asleep in my room with a migraine. Seeing as I hadn’t had a hit to the head, I didn’t see a reason to stop so I just waited for the symptoms to subside and then continued training that week. Naturally, such poor management of return to exercise only prolonged the problems. Scenarios like this kept happening and there wasn’t a strategy in place to deal with them, and no one was there to educate me on the risks.

With the benefit of hindsight, and the knowledge of now common concussion protocols, my situation should have been treated completely differently. Without any guidance, I was naive, uneducated and I ignored symptoms. Feeling ‘in a fog’ became customary in my day to day life so I ignored it since I was desperate to get back to playing. It is for this reason that there are a number of protocols in place these days that prevent players from taking the situation into their own hands, as well as making it difficult for players to not report and ignore their symptoms. 

I was finally able to return to playing in February but I continued to pick up various  injuries for the next two seasons. It was a constant stream of injuries with microfractures in the femur, a broken clavicle and multiple ankle ligament tears.

My England Under 20’s physio at the time finally got hold of me and refused to let me play again until I had learnt how to biomechanically move again and was in a better physical condition to take the hits. To this day I am sure that the string of injuries were due to having months out and not re conditioning myself to the level needed for contact rugby.

If I could give my 18 year old self any advice it would have been to go home and rest for 4 weeks after the second concussion and not return until I felt ‘normal’. 

From the start of the following season (2011) I was selected for the England Senior Squad and luckily my time progressed relatively injury free until Oct 2017. I received my first cap during the 2011 Autumn Internationals against France. I will happily admit that ‘prehab’ was taken seriously and even though I hated the gym, I respected that in order for me to be out on the pitch I needed to be well conditioned. When I say conditioned, I mean moving correctly using the right muscle groups rather than looking physically blessed (I enjoy food too much for this). During this period I was lucky enough to play in a World Cup, travel the world with rugby and even gain two 7s caps.

Fast forward to October 2017 when I ruptured my ACL, with grade two MCL and meniscus tears, unfortunately a very common knee injury and one which keeps you out for a minimum of 8-9 months. 

An excellent physio and months of hard work later, I bent down to pick up a loose ball in training and  re-ruptured the ACL, tearing my LCL, MCL and meniscus in the process. I was in the unfortunate category of almost 30% of athletes who re-tear the ACL graft in the first two years. When my new surgeon showed me the scan, it showed that the graft had been too lax, creating a cheese-grating effect on the inside of my bone, making for interesting viewing.

I had an operation six weeks later; during which time I was able to process it all (read: go on holiday) and get motivated to get back playing again. Giselle Mather also rang me the day after my operation to persuade me to coach the development team at Waps (my then and current club). I said yes and through that coaching experience I came to realise how much I instinctively know about the game. That even though I may not always voice my opinions, I know a lot, and that realisation gave me confidence to be decisive on the pitch when I returned in October 2019. Being out of the game for two years is hard, it's a long time to be out at a time that women's rugby was advancing so quickly with the RFU funding the new Premier 15s league.

The need to be fitter, faster and stronger than ever before was clear. Although physically, I was in the best condition I’d ever been, mentally I was not prepared for the collisions.

I used my two years out to focus on my career in teaching, an invaluable outlet mentally since having a life outside of the sport gives you so much perspective. I was never able to get caught up feeling sorry for myself; I was simply too busy.

Five games into the season I re-tore my meniscus so operation number three for my right knee was on the agenda. Strangely, this helped me get over the fear of being re-injured. The worst had already happened, I was already injured, so I couldn't be afraid of it. I was due to rehab for 12 weeks, but I made it back in just 8, in time for the final two games before the Christmas break. 

In January 2020 I was named in the England squad for the Six Nations, and it was then that I realised how far I had come since the original injury, and just how many obstacles I had overcome in the process. I got my 52nd cap two and half years after my 51st, playing France away in the first Six Nations game of 2020.

I have so many people to thank for all their time and support, the sport goes on without you so it is the people who stick around which make you really thankful. 

I continue to play for Wasps and England whilst also teaching Maths part time.